Keeping Emotions in Check: The smarter way of Parenting!
Dr. Chandana D. Karathully
Children are perfect in their own way. But usually they don’t really seem perfect all the time. They are mischievous and quite devilish at times. It’s normal that the parent may feel out of control when the kids go out of control. And what do we do at these moments of frustration and rage? We get angry, we yell, we make threats and we punish the little angels.
Yes! Angels. Children are angels. They have these cute angelic faces; they are pure, inviting and warm with their sparkling eyes and heart warming smiles. Feeling difficulty in imagining your child that way? Just think of the time when they were born, the moment when you first met their face, first touched their sweet little fingers, when they grabbed your fingers and didn’t let go, when they snuggled on to you and slept within your safe embrace. You have felt that love, affection and that need to protect them at any cost. But do we feel the same when they unleash torment at those difficult moments? No, we get out of control. Are we protecting them from the emotional scarring they are bearing when we go out of control? When we blame our child, yell at them, threaten them, and shower all our fury on to them, are we aware of the damage we are doing to those angelic hearts? The answer will be a no. We are so blindfolded by the rage and disappointment that we hardly ever think of the after effects.
It is because that we were not raised in such a way as to handle our negative emotions, to express them in a healthy way, to communicate our feelings and to be aware of the emotions that others are feeling. In short, we all are lacking an adequate emotional health that is a pre requisite in healthy family functioning. We all are driven by a parental ego and we demand obedience from our children. We are power driven and when our children resist us, our ego is hurt. ‘How dare you speak to me like that? Have you forgotten who the parent here is?’ we ask them. So the question I would like to ask to any parent is that ‘Are you raising a soldier who just takes orders or an independent co operating compassionate human who have the power and ability to think for themselves?’
The world has changed a lot. This era supports those who are creative and inventive immensely. For a child to be grown into such a just and fair free will, he needs to be raised like that. Even in this changed scenario, we are using the age old parental strategies of punishment and obedience. We never let them express their feelings and openly communicate with us. When we take the role of a dictator, who in their right mind would be open in communicating with us? Children fear us. They feel it’s not okay to make mistakes and they decide it’s better to hide all the ugly truth and go on with the lying. We never listen to them. We never identify and acknowledge what they feel and want. When our children feel that they are being listened to and we know what they are going through, it will become so easy to manage them and guide them.
When we yell at our kids, they feel they have failed us. Children have a natural tendency to please us. That’s why the babies laugh when we laugh. They feel disturbed when we show unpleasant emotions. So when they feel that they have not measured up to parental expectations, they feel they are not good enough. They don’t have a sense of self like us. They measure themselves with the scale we provide them with. When we make them feel like they are good for nothing, they will believe that they are good for nothing and will turn into the same. Instead, it’s our job to inspire them to attain the pinnacle of success. It’s our job to console them and provide them with the tools to deal with life. It’s our job to lift them up during tough times and help them carry on their journey. But in reality are we doing that? Or are we burdening the children with our own emotional insecurities and fear of failures?
A parent who is so concerned about the judgment from the relatives, and if always tells the child not to fail them, they are instilling the seed of fear of negative evaluation in the child. The child may then grow up to be an anxious person, who never takes risk in the fear of what others may think. It is always inappropriate to use our emotions and our past to manipulate children. The child feel burdened and will always be scared of making the parent feel bad. Gradually they may pull away from the parent and start hiding from them.
Every child is different. In terms of genetic data that they are provided with, every child differ from each other in terms of intelligence, personality, learning styles and so on. So parents should be aware that a strategy that worked with our elder son may not work with our youngest daughter. So, understanding who your child is is quite essential. Sadly the parents today are not at all aware of this fact and continue with the old ways because they don’t know what to do else. And we demand obedience in all the wrong ways. It will in turn, worsen the problem and increase interpersonal issues within the family.
The most common mistake that the parents do is give them a lecture on why children should do what they say. Children don’t need reasons and explanations on why they should listen and co operate with their parents. It is counterproductive and the kids become more argumentative when we give them reasons. They will argue on why they believe they shouldn’t comply with the parent. And this argument will go on and on. So when you want your child to do something, don’t get off the track trying to convince them when they resist. Don’t argue or fight with or punish your child or that can result in unhealthy resentment, rejection and rebellion. Don’t use logic, emotions or reasons to make them obedient. It can only weaken your position as a parent and can strengthen their resistance. We can always invite co operation using positive strategies.
If you are using strong negative emotions like anger, guilt, sadness, frustration or rage, let me remind you that it is not healthy for your child. Your child is not equipped with the same emotional intelligence as an adult to handle your emotion and theirs too. Always find a way to vent your emotions. Talk to your partner or your friends or find a psychologist who can help you deal with your emotional and personal issues. Never dump those feelings on to your child. Those feelings can break your little one’s heart.
Some parents are not strong and firm like the authoritative ones. They easily comply with the children and shower love and affection in whatever they do. But they can easily make the mistake of letting the child decide everything that concerns him. And again the child easily manipulates their feelings and gain whatever they wish for. You should never let your child manipulate you or be overly demanding or be unappreciative of your efforts. You are the adult and your child can never know better than you. A child needs parental guidance and control. It should be delivered properly. So both authoritative parenting and soft parenting strategies are ineffective.
Children need a strong and loving parent. They need parents to motivate them using positive parenting strategies instead of threatening, yelling and complaining. They need their parents to accept them as they are instead of demanding them to become someone who they are not. They need parents to stop complaining and start accepting. They need us to be strong to control them and guide them through right and wrong, and also to be loving and caring to nurture them.
Every job requires a particular skill set to be efficient in it. Training is provided in mastering every job. Parenting is an exception. No one is trained to be a better parent. But in current millennia, where technology beats everything, where success is rated not only in terms of IQ or academic achievement, an updated parenting skill set is essential. If we want our children to find the freedom and courage in their lives to make their dreams come true, to earn the quality of life, we should all be keen in providing them with the training for that, which is not provided in any high end schools or tuition centres, but through the time, presence and the way the parents deal with the children. Because we all want is the best for our little ones.
