“WHAT DO YOU HATE THE MOST ABOUT ME?”
THE QUESTION WE ALL DREAD ASKING OUR LOVED ONES
Dr. Chandana D. Karathully
None of us is perfect. We all know that. We all tell that to our friends and family who is in distress. (And criticize them secretly!) But why is it that so hard to accept our imperfections in front of others? Why do we work so hard to convince others that we are perfect? Why do we all wear a mask? The answer is simple- it’s painful. But why is its painful? Why is it that we can’t shrug it off?
We are not born with a negative sense of self. We all have a person within us who says ‘you are a good person; you are the hero of your story’. When we were born even though we didn’t know who we were, or who our parents were, we didn’t worry about the mess we were born into. We didn’t worry about people judging us when we peed and poo-ed. We didn’t worry ‘what others might think if I disturbed my parents with my silly fever in the middle of the night’. We didn’t worry about the overpriced diapers or the costly antacid. We didn’t think twice before crying when we were hungry or in pain or distressed. Then why do we hesitate now?
We humans, possess the most intricate and delicate kind of operative system in the world. It not only process and delivers information, it automatically suppress and mould the information according to the situation from time to time. As we grow up, we are given information about our self by our parents, relatives, friends and teachers. And as we have not developed a fully functioning sense of self, we automatically save all those data into our system information, without editing. And the system starts working by that information. We believe what is being said to us or done to us are true. Since we ultimately believe we are not inherently bad, when provided with information that sound ‘you are such a bad kid’, our system finds an error.
But what we also have, are certain personality traits born with us. They are controlled by our genes. Some children are naive and trusting, but some others are strong willed, persistent and dominant. Some are soft and sensitive, but some are active and emotionally non-expressive. So, different children have different operating systems. So, they process the information differently.
When the environment consistently provide the information to a naive, trusting and sensitive child that ‘you are good for nothing, and you are flawed’, the child’s system disregards the inherent positive self and believes it automatically. The child carries the message that ‘he is not worthy’ to his or her grave. He or she may suffer from lack of self confidence, low self esteem, social phobia, anxiety and depression. They live a painful life, internalizing every negative comment they come across. They can never get out of the cage because they believe they can’t do that. They always choose the worst for them because they believe they don’t deserve happiness. That child dreads asking the question ‘what do you hate about me’ because he or she believes there is a lot of stuff in his or her personality to hate. And it’s painful to hear that in loud.
If a strong willed, dominant and persuasive child is given the same information that he or she is a bad person, they defend it. The child’s system moulds and re-programs it into a new one and attaches it with their faulty positive self. It will be that ‘the world is a tricky place to live in, everyone finds faults in you, so don’t expose your weakness, instead deny it, project it to someone else and escape; and no matter how, never look back’. The child grows into a person whom we may call egotistic or having a huge ego. He or she denies and gets angry when their faults are pointed out. They always wear a mask, project a flawless image, boast about self, and hide their inner pain at any cost. They will lack meaningful relationships because they can’t confide in others about their vulnerabilities or their mistakes. They make others feel guilty and miserable. And they dread asking others what they hate about them because it makes them uncomfortable. Their whole lifetime they have struggled to make them and others believe that there is nothing to hate in them. The huge sand castle they have built about their sense of self is so fragile, that it can shatter when subjected to criticism.
Not everyone live in these extremes. But we can find ourselves somewhere in between. And we shouldn’t be there. We shouldn’t be emotionally insecure. We should be totally fine with asking our loved ones that question and change ourselves for better. We should be able to resolve emotional issues between our loved ones without getting defensive or sensitive. Our life shouldn’t be built on fear of negative evaluation. It should be built on self enhancement through correcting our faults and mistakes. It should be built on facing the storms, not on running away from storms. Only an emotionally healthy parent can raise an emotionally healthy child.
So, do you feel uncomfortable when you have to ask your spouse or loved one “Hey, What’s the thing that you hate the most about me?”