Accept people as they are!
Dr. Chandana D. Karathully
People make mistakes. It’s the most basic theory of mankind. There is no one in this entire universe that is immune to faults. We all are flawed, some might have exceptional qualities in academics, but may lack interpersonal skills; some might be wonderful in completing tasks, but may be obsessive hard workers; some might be easy and outgoing, but may be lazy and unfocussed. We know this fact and we know no one is perfect, we can even talk all day about how different each person is from one another, yet we all find it difficult to accept this fact emotionally and act accordingly. We can’t let go of the troubles our loved ones cause us, we can’t accept their wrongdoings, and we can’t stop blaming them for not behaving more responsibly or affectionately.
Most of the time, we all find negatives in each other, wives complain about their husbands, husbands blame wives, parents yell at their kids, family members blame each other for each and every thing and so on. And whenever a favorable moment shows up, we take that opportunity to give them advises, or create awareness about how they are messing things up. And we blindly believes that from this moment our loved one is going to change, and the next moment we will see that they have gone back to their usual self. Frustrated and angry, we unleash our wrath and destroy whatever bit of peace we had.
When correcting someone we are not actually always giving out a helpful message, instead the receiving mind can only interpret our message as blaming. What do we do when someone blames us? We feel we are getting targeted, we feel they do not understand us, we feel alone and rejected. And how do we respond? We may defend ourselves or blame someone else, and may feel distant towards the person who is blaming us. As a result, uncomfortable feelings bottles up, we lose intimacy within our relationships. What we are failing to notice here is the fact that, we don’t like someone blaming us, then why should someone love our criticisms! We can’t accept our faults, but why are we trying to correct someone else’s faults. Oh no, most of the people won’t accept that we give others is criticism. We think that we are just pointing out their mistakes, so that they can correct it and be better. We might even say, they should actually thank us for our social service! Little do we realize that however hard we try to whitewash our criticism, it is criticism, and blaming or criticizing someone is not our job. It may not be our place to say anything; we may not be thinking how others might be feeling listening to this.
It is a truth that if people started acting according to our wishes, our life would be easier. Our house would be super clean if our kids stopped drawing over the walls, or spreading their toys all over the floors. Our room would be much more organized if our husband decided to put his stuff in the respective drawers. Our life would be a lot happier if our wife decided to stop complaining about us. But our problems start not from hoping they would change, but complaining about their inability to change. We blame them, we complain, we yell, and we destroy the happiness of the whole house hold. Why can’t we let go of this tendency to correct everything around us? The answer lies in our own frustration with our life. We might be overwhelmed, tired or cranky. That’s when we desperately hope if others could change and make our life easier. Secondly when we find that our loved ones are not changing, we feel like we are being disrespected, or they don’t value us or they are resisting our authority. To restore our authority, we find ourselves yelling and intimidating others. Thirdly, we desperately hope that this time when we tell them, they are going to change. This expectation is actually straining our relationships. It is causing disappointment, anger, conflict, tears and resentment. But, we are so caught up in this game that we find it hard to get out.
And what is the solution? Accept people as they are. Accept our kids with all their mischievousness; accept our spouse with all their irresponsibility, perfectionism, negativity, laziness, ego or selfishness. Easy to preach, difficult to practice, the ideology is a life changer. We don’t need to forgive them or accept everything they say or do. The ideology preaches us not to be affected by the negative traits of people. We may agree with them or not, we may be able to forgive or not, we may be to tolerate them or not; the ideology urges us not to expect them to change, not to fight their inherent nature, but to accept their traits as such, and stop asking them ‘why are you acting this way?’ or ‘why can’t you stop acting this way?’ or ‘why can’t you change?’. Instead accept them, expect nothing, do what you could do, leave the rest.
Doing what we could do can open a lot of opportunities. Instead of urging them, we can think about what change we could bring in order to make a difference. If we need something to happen, take the right steps to make that happen. We hold the power to create our destiny. Using the power wisely can create magic. We may be underestimating our ability to make a difference. Thinking and doing the right thing can lead us to fulfillment. We should also learn when to stop being hard on us. Our time and energy is limited, so prioritizing our work schedule and household chores can liberate us. Also, take help and delegate our work. No one can be a do-it-all. Delegating our work can help us immensely. If our family members are reluctant to offer any help, take help from outside.
To fix our relationships with our loved ones, we need to express unconditional love too. Even if they are not listening to us or not making any effort, we need to stop complaining and yelling. Instead express love and understanding. Remember no one likes to be criticized. So, sending out understanding and accepting messages and letting go of regrets and resentments can open a new door of intimacy in family relationships. We need to forgive and forget to move on. When we adopt a new level of acceptance, our loved ones can feel a lot more comfortable around us. Then they might be able to try to change, otherwise the resentment towards us might be hindering their growth.
So let’s start a new culture of accepting, instead of complaining. Let’s start a new idea of creating new levels of intimacy, instead of being stuck in a rut of resentment.