Emotions: The Scary Monsters!
Dr. Chandana D. Karathully
We are brought up with the idea that it is not advisable to express our emotions. They are scary, they are messy, and they will ruin every relationship. When we cried, our parents would have said, “Why are you being so childish over such silly things!” And, we have learnt that grownups don’t cry, they don’t feel such deep emotions, and when we feel like crying, we say to ourselves: “Why are you acting so childish?” We become masters in suppressing our feelings, but the strategy seldom works efficiently. They cause frustration, conflicts in relationships, reappear as physical symptoms and affect the quality of our life. What if we decide to express our feelings? That can start an entirely different kind of apocalypse. We don’t know how to communicate our feelings. We are not taught to effectively resolve conflicts. Our near and dear ones don’t know about that either. And when we all blurt out whatever comes into our mind, believe me, it is catastrophic.
As a society, we are not trained to have emotional resilience. Emotional resilience is a skill. Of course, there are people who are born with a desirable level of emotional intelligence. But, it can be nurtured and learnt through the adult interactions during childhood. For that we need adults with emotional intelligence or emotional resilience. Where do we find adults with emotional resilience then?? If we can’t find them, we need to teach adults to react with emotional resilience. And it’s not a piece of cake.
Why did God create this messy nuisance called emotions then? Emotions are lot more powerful than we all think. They are the software with which our brain operates. We all believe we humans are thinking and problem solving animals with feelings. But the truth is that we are feeling animals with thinking and problem solving skills. And what does that mean? That means our primary skill is to feel and have emotions, not thinking and problem solving. Our entire operating system works with feelings. When we are in a critical situation, we function according to our emotions. We make decisions as per the state of our mind, we react as per our feelings, and we regulate ourselves according to our emotions. Our feelings are so fast that they can bypass any of the complicated thinking strategies of our brain. They have an important role in motivating us. Researches show us that it takes lesser time to react emotionally than to react using our thinking abilities. We take decisions on the basis of our emotions. That’s how we are created. Fear, anger, anxiety and despair are really powerful motivators. They have the capability to push us forward and take genuine actions that are appropriate to the situations. We seek out activities that provide us with the happiness and contentment, and avoid situations that could cause negative emotions. Love, affection and approval are powerful motivators that play the integral part in keeping us whole as a community. We take care of our babies, take care of each other, and put our life in danger for the ones who are dear to us in the name of love. Pride and the sense of achievement also serve important part of our lives. We go to any lengths for the approval of our society. Expressing emotions help us in evoking similar kind of emotions in others, which can lead to enhanced social support. Mutual support is the one thing that is keeping the social life of humans. Thus the uses of emotions are numerous.
Emotions are like viruses. They spread so easily. We have the neuronal networks that could mimic the emotions that we feel around us. It is to enhance our social support and integrate ourselves into the community that we belong. There is another version to this emotional outbreak. We could be feeling the emotions that we surround ourselves with. Thus a thriller movie can produce an adrenaline rush within us, a sentimental drama can make us bursting into tears and a joyful romantic comedy can make us feel good. Similarly the prominent emotions of our household can also create the same effect. If our home is filled with laughter and love we can very easily dive into the happy mode, but frustration and irritability can trigger us into arguments very easily. So there’s where emotional resilience come into play. We are humans, we cannot hide our feelings very easily. Hence, a silly disagreement can release a whole story of argument very easily. But realizing and analyzing our emotions, carefully communicating our needs without hurting others, understanding the feelings of those around us are really necessary for our mental health. In this era, where mental health can literally determine our physical health, learning how to manage our emotions are really necessary.
Running away from messy feelings and bottling up unresolved conflicts are not the answer for the problem. It requires great deal of self awareness and some simple strategies of communication too. The first thing we can all do is to observe ourselves and analyze ourselves as a third person. Understanding and recognizing our own feeling are the first step towards emotional resilience. Finding out what our persistent mood is can help us in getting the help we always need. Talking to a therapist who can sort out our issues can help us greatly in managing our feelings. We need to learn strategies in handling those emotions as the next step. For example, anxiety requires some relaxation techniques to overcome the issue. Connecting our emotions to our real life should be next step in aiding us. We can always ask ourselves, what is the major factor in my life that is making me miserable. Every problem is solvable, if it is not, then it may not be a problem, it can be a fact of life which need radical acceptance from our part. Like, we cannot bring people back from death, narcissists never change, to change the habit of someone it requires considerable amount of will power from their part etc. So, some problems are not ours to solve, we just need to accept the reality and make peace with it. And learning communication strategies in effective communication can help us in resolving conflicts quickly. And all of this require time and effort, which need willingness from our part.