Patriarchal Abuse. The Truth!!
Dr. Chandana D. Karathully
Now a days, everyone is talking about Feminism and Women Empowerment. In our culture, we have to consider and address the delicate and complicated issue of patriarchy too. Even though it is a sociological issue, it has so many psychological imperatives, which we fail to discuss.
A male dominated society can be called as a patriarchal one, in which the male members have a lot of privileges, that are taken for granted. Before we get into the issue we need to address why such a system came into existence. And for that we need to look into how men and women differ, as to why women are more prone to abuse and manipulation.
Each and every medical professional would know that there is a gender difference in every aspect of health. We all know about the physical differences between men and women. The differences in bone integrity, hormonal changes, sexual ideas and even in brain functioning are hard to miss. But, the differences are also significant in disease incidences. Women are more prone to certain health problems like thyroid issues, stroke, gastro intestinal issues, auto immune disorders etc, whereas men are more likely to succumb to death earlier due to several causal factors.
Autism, ADHD are more seen in male children, where as depression and anxiety are more affected in women. Antisocial personality disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder are more prevalent in men, where as Borderline personality disorder and Histrionic personality disorder are mostly seen in women. In short, men and women differ physicaly and psychologically.
Most of such differences can be pertained to the gender differences in personality traits. The differences in the behavioural patterns, emotional responses, attitude and mindset are all influenced by such different personality traits.
The statically significant gender differences in personality traits are most striking in the domains of agreeableness and neuroticism. Studies show that if we consider ten people with those traits, six of them can be women.
Agreeableness is the maternal trait. It manifest itself in individual behavioural characteristics that are perceived as kind, sympathetic, cooperative, warm and considerate. They can create intimate human relationships which are deep and more fulfilling. They can place the needs of others above that of themselves, which is crucial for a mother to take care of her infant. Those who are disagreeable in nature tend to focus on their own personal needs rather than that of others. Men are more likely to be disagreeable than women.
Emotional volatility is the main characteristic of Neuroticism. Mood variation, feelings of worry, fear, frustration, guilt and sadness are the characteristics of personality trait of neuroticism. It represent the degree to which a person experience the world as distressing and unsafe. It equips a person to prepare to whatever comes in the way. The gender difference in the trait of neuroticism is that which makes a woman more prone to depression and anxiety.
When we look patriarchy and feminism through this lens, we can learn more how such an oppressing system came into existence. Nature’s intention is to enhance the chance of survival of a species. For that, it has to ensure the sustenance of an infant through providing protective environment around it. It needs a mother who would put away her own needs to protect her baby, a mother who would see the dangers that could come along and motivate the father to act accordingly, and a father who would fight the adversities. That’s why agreeable and neurotic people are mostly women. And such a woman should be able to choose a partner who would support the sustenance of her infant. It is only possible through sexual selection, that is, the mate choice is done by women who could decide the chance of sustenance of her infant and genetic transmission of desirable traits.
But the same mechanism is manipulated in a patriarchal society. Agreeable men and women are manipulated into conform to the willingness of more disagreeable men and women. The choice of sexual selection is taken away from women. In societies that has suffered colonialism, racial discriminations and other oppressive systems of governance, the tendency of disagreeableness and complex defence mechanisms for self protection are seen more, which tend to precipitate narcissistic personality patterns. Such Narcissistic individuals focus on their own survival and sustenance, disregard the feelings of others, lack self awareness and empathy, and tend to control and manipulate others. We can see a lot of narcissistic individuals in a patriarchal society. Agreeable people tend to conform to their will and act as a supply to them. Narcissists who manipulate such an agreeableness, tend to control, demand obedience and submission from others. We can always find narcissistic men and women in a patriarchal society. We can always find men and women who would conform to them and act according to their wishes. The conformity slowly changes and take form of stereotypies and a culture would soon develop toxic patterns of domination and manipulation which tend to serve certain groups of people.
How women get affected? Naturally their opportunity to choose partner, their financial independence and emotional independence are hampered to enhance conformity. Their self esteem is broken down and submission is demanded by injecting them with fear and manipulating their natural instinct to agree.
Such a complicated issue can never be tackled so easily. Because we all are part of the problem. We all have been abused, emotionally for sure at the least.
Economic independence is never enough. Because more agreeable women tend to sacrifice their financial decisions to more disagreeable, narcissistic partner and suffer alone. They fail to achieve emotional independence. For that, a emotionally resilient community should be formed. We dont know a thing about being emotionally resilient parents who would model and teach basics of emotional regulation to kids. That must be addressed properly.
We need to address the trauma we all have faced in our past, we need to be more emotionally regulated, (disclaimer – suppressing uncomfortable emotions is not considered to be a healthy emotional regulation!!) we need to learn more about narcissistic abuse and abusers, we need to learn about surviving from such abuse, we need to learn about empathy and self awareness, about setting up healthy boundaries, and most importantly, about choosing a partner who have a healthy emotional regulation, who is not a narcissistic manipulator. We need to learn more about mental health and how we all need a healthy dose of that to stay sane and thrive.
After that, we need to learn about raising kids who are emotionally regulated, who are empathetic and self aware. We need to learn about raising kids not be narcissistic, who are aware of the concept of gender equality, how men and women differ and how to protect the basic needs of a human without suppressing them. Women should be raised with the idea that marriage is the road map to survival, but a partnership, and that women should be economically independent. They should be raised with the idea that their emotional issues are to addressed separately, not to be sought under a relationship. Men should be taught that parenting is not the sole duty of a mother, but fathers are also equally important and have an important role in the development of the psyche of a kid. For that, we need to learn more about scientific parenting strategies. We need to talk about domination and manipulation, not just in the context of a house hold, but also in the context of authorities and governance. We need to talk about boundaries, respect and trust, and also about divorce and survival.
But the current development of feminist movement doesn’t address any of these concerns. Instead of educating people, we are turning against one another and politicising issues for individual gains. That’s not the right way. Because, abuse and manipulation is not exclusive for just one political party or religion or community. It’s everywhere, every political party, every religion, every individual household, every human being. It’s hidden. But it is to recognised.
Our fight should be against narcissistic abuse, against unscientific parenting practices which create abusers and people with low self esteem, for imparting women with economic and emotional independence. Open your brains, not hearts.❤️❤️